Mummy, I'm never okay...

It seemed so clear to me that we were better off this way.

It seemed undeniable to me that having separated parents, each in their own home, was the healthiest option for a relationship that no longer suited us, that no longer added anything to our lives, that no longer had room for me to live what I deeply desired to live and be what I had long forgotten I was...

It was clear to me that we were better off this way. Not because we were actually better off. A lot was changing, we were on an emotional rollercoaster, going back and forth between pain and hope, in unexpected loops. Surprise, indignation, anger alternated with compassion, sadness, tiredness...

In those first few months, it was clear to me that we were better off this way. Not because we were better off, but because I was CERTAIN that we would be in the near future.

For some time, I had difficulty understanding why my children couldn't recognise that we were better off this way, I had difficulty accepting their attempts to get us closer, I had difficulty accepting their sadness...

This difficulty was internal, just mine, i didn't shared.

I never told them that I didn't understood, but I didn't.

I didn't understood until the day my son, leaning against me on the sofa, next to his brothers, said to me on a calm and sweet afternoon:

‘You know, Mummy... when I'm with you, I miss Daddy...’

(my heart contracted, it felt heavy)

‘When I'm with Daddy, I miss you...’

(I froze)

‘I'm never okay. Wherever I am, one of you is always missing...’

His siblings nodded silently.

(I understood, warmed up and accepted)

It remained undeniable to me that having separated parents, each in their own home, was the healthiest option for a relationship that didn't work for us.

It remained clear to me that we were better off this way.

I remained CERTAIN that this would be the case in the near future.

But I realised that, in the process of winning, we would also lose...

And my children had lost something very important to them: being with both parents at the same time.

They still couldn't (they still couldn't!) see what they were gaining... they still only felt what they were losing...